Every journey has that first step.


Welcome to my blog. I go by Wulfbleud as my pagan name but most address me as James. I’ve walked this path for nearly two decades now. I’m getting up there in age, so I’m finding a place to make notes of my observations while i still have time on this world. The posts I will write will most likely be of an emotion of some sort. I have the power of an empath. I can read people’s feelings. I also feel them. Sometimes it can be very scary being an empath. You have to learn how to shield and protect yourself. In a crowded room, an empath can spin out of control because the fluctuation of emotions is so high that we cannot handle the setting any longer and leave.

Growing up, I was diagnosed ADD and developed anger issues in my teens. I’ll get to my childhood one of these days in a separate post. But when I started to believe in something other than God and Jesus, and saw more logic and reason in a collective religion, the anger slipped away. I felt peace and love and happiness without the use of drugs or whores. I hope my blog posts inspire you and brings you a good feeling reading what I write. Please feel free to comment an idea or even an editing remark. I welcome critical criticism, because without adversity, we cannot grow.

The path is only a part of the journey.
Come, walk with me child.

There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth.
~Charles Dickens


Pain versus Instincts

An old man saw a scorpion drowning and decided to pull it out from the water. He calmly extended his hand to reach the creature. When he did, the scorpion stung him. With the effect of the pain, the old man let go the creature and it fell back into the water. The man realizing that the scorpion was drowning again, got back and tried to rescue it but then again it stung him. He let go of it again.

A young boy standing by, approached the old man and said, “Excuse me Sir, you are going to hurt yourself trying to save the evil-vicious creature, why do you insist? Don’t you realize that each time you try to help the scorpion, it stings you?”

The man replied, “The nature of the scorpion is to sting and mine is to help. My nature will not change in helping the scorpion.”

So the man thought for a while and used a leaf from a nearby tree and pulled the scorpion out from the water and saved it’s life.

Do not change your nature. If someone hurts you, just take precautions. Some pursue happiness while others create it. Let your conscience be your guide in whatever you do.”


The Impacts of Assumptions

I’ll just start right out by saying when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. You know that saying right? It’s as old as dirt. Ass-u-me? Ahh, now you remember. So let’s run with that. Personally, I do not assume. Nor do I judge. I feel judgement and assumptions run hand in hand and cause just as much damage. That’s enough for an opinionated introduction. Let’s add some facts to this rolling snowball.

The word “assumption” is defined as: “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.” (Google Dictionary, 2018).  So basically when someone hears a story or sees someone dressed a certain way or I could list of 1000 different ways assumptions raises it’s ignorant head because they believe the story. They assume the story being told is fact and that whatever its about indeed happened.

Here’s where there is a problem. A person that makes assumptions all the time has an apparent disability determining fact from fiction. I’ve also noticed a certain type of person to assume more than normal people. These are drama starters. I’ve lived in mostly small towns all of my life. Drama increases assumptions by 100% I kid you not.

‘”Mary Jane was seen going over to George’s house. They must be having sex.”

That is a perfect example of an assumption just being made.  If used, it can be emotionally and socially damaging. Gossip is simply a chain of assumptions. It starts with one assumption, then the next person adds in their own assumption, and then the next and so on and so on. By the end of the day Mary Jane and George were devil worshipers and had sex on a pentacle.

Assumptions have zero truth and zero credibility. When friends of mine try to gossip with me, I always ask for a reliable and credible source. Hardly any of my friends try to gossip with me anymore.


The Spark

In the deepest of deep, and the darkest of dark
lies a complex phenomenon known as the spark.
It creates Universes and Galaxies and energy small and large
Negative ions and positive quarks release a giant charge
It shifts its creations this way and that,
chaotic vibrations three million light years long
And here I am, right where I belong.
A human of Earth, a mere speck amongst all
Uncertain of my purpose in the grand scheme of things
But that’s how it is with most human beings
Then I see the ant, smaller yet than me
The ant adapts to his world, the ant knows how to be free
The ants work collectively to survive Earth’s ill effects.
Storing for the winter, and nesting for their rest.
The ant can do many things even being so small
So what does that say of humans? Us being large and tall.
“United we stand, divided we fall”
An older quote from an earlier time,
but it’s truth stands immortal, impervious to time.
As humans now We make circles, some big some small.
It doesn’t make us united at all.
Groups against group and the hate that is formed
Brings me back to my question once more.
What is my purpose, why am I here?
What have I done to be punished year after year?
I’ve not fulfilled my destiny as I am still alive,
But galaxies and universes and multiverses are born from the dark
And all that it needed was just a little spark.


My Spirit Animal

It was the summer of 2009. I had recently become single after being married for 5 years to my second wife. Emotionally, I was a wreck. She was the one doing the leaving, and proved over and over again how much she didn’t respect our marriage by sleeping with other men. I became homeless at that time. I searched and scrambled for friends to let me either use a spare bed or sleep on their couch. I was unemployed at the time and didn’t have much to offer. Just when it looked like I was going to sleep on a bench, a friend invited me to crash on his couch out in Manton, Michigan. Manton is only 10 miles from where I currently was. It’s a small town surrounded by the great Michigan woods. The house was a 3 bedroom single wide trailer. My friend had 3 kids then, all under the age of 6. It was pandemonium the first night because of the excitement of my being there. When I say “friend”, it’s more like a brother or sister. I have friends that have supported me far more than any blood relative. So I made my own family. Added David as my brother and Cory and Gregg as brothers. Non-blood but nonetheless they were family.

The first night happened to be a full moon. I had a rough time sleeping, and because of the kids they pretty much shut everything off early like 10 pm. I remember it being really warm inside the trailer. After hours of tossing and turning, I walked out of the trailer at 2 in the morning.  It was definitely much cooler outside and much more comfortable. The moon was high in the sky illuminating everything fairly well. I decided to go for a walk into the woods.

I should mention at this time that I had been investigating the pagan path for about 6 years. It was in 2003 that I really started on that path. So I was aware of the power of the full moon, and now it was 3 am, typically known as the witching hour. I had walked a good ways into the forest. Owls screeched into the silent night. Whitetail deer could be seen bouncing away from me. Eventually I came to a meadow about the size of an acre. I sat down with my back to a tree and lit up a cigarette. The moon tucked herself in behind the trees. I crossed my legs and laid my arms, palms up, on top of them. I made many wishes that night to my moon goddess, as well as give thanks for what has already been done for me.

But then I heard a rustle in the trees across the meadow. I thought it to be a deer, or any other of the many woodland creatures we have in Michigan. I sat still, ears perked and desperately seeking the location of the noise, and what might have made the crunch in the night. I heard it again. Leaves were rustling in the wood line across the meadow from where I sat and there was no wind. My senses were on full alert now. I know I wasn’t just hearing things. I called out mentally. Who’s out there? What are your intentions? Please don’t harm me. I’m just a simple man living a simple life. I did not dare utter a word aloud in case the strange noise was from a bear or cougar. I didn’t hear anything else. The moon peeked out from the treeline illuminating the meadow, and out of the woods and into the meadow walked a coyote. She didn’t advance across the meadow. She sat at the edge of the meadow directly across from me. I say “she” because I started hearing these soft subtle noises at first, and then they turned to words and it was a females voice. I asked out mentally, why are you here? I received no response. I asked out mentally, am I in danger. This time I heard in my head a simple “No”. She was average sized for a coyote. She was brown and white, dark tail and perky white ears. So here I am, in the woods, telepathically communicating with a coyote. I wasn’t even drunk or high!!! We exchanged many words. She empowered me. She encouraged me. I felt a strange power come over me like walking through a waterfall. I was on the path for greatness. I had a purpose in life as do all people and mine was to be of some great importance. There was much more information conveyed in the short 3 hours before daylight.  When the sun broke the horizon, she had vanished without a trace.

After taking all of what happened in, and relegated it to have really happened, I started researching what it meant.

Quite a few of my pagan web sites and even native american folklore talks about the Spirit Animal. In my research, the spirit animal refers to a spirit which helps guide or protect a person on a journey and whose characteristics that person shares or embodies. I was presented with a coyote, so I researched that meaning as well. The coyote totem is strikingly paradoxical and is hard to categorize. It’s a teacher of hidden wisdom with a sense of humor, so the messages of the coyote spirit animal may paradoxically appear in the form of a joke or trickery. Don’t be tricked by the foolish appearances. The spirit of the coyote may remind you to not take things too seriously and bring more balance between wisdom and playfulness. The coyote often symbolizes the trickster or joker. However, its symbolism is associated with a deep magic of life and creation. It can be considered as having the following meanings:

  • Jokester
  • Adaptability
  • Reveal the truth behind illusion and chaos
  • Playfulness
  • Paradoxical nature, personality difficult to categorize
  • Beware of the dark side of things and play on your resources

I think the largest and most profound word I have written in this entry thus far is balance. Since that day, everything became a balancing act for me. I take the good with the bad and the bad with the good. Nothing can be good all the time, dark days are inevitable. Being aware of this has improved my mental status dramatically. The key to friendships is balance. The key to relationships is balance. The key to life itself is balance.  I would refer to the yin and the yang. I would refer to day and night. Everything in life, when looked at in the right perspective, has some alteration or balance associated with it. For every negative there is a positive, and that’s how I started to live my life.

9 years has passed since that epic encounter. It confirmed the belief I was walking down the right path, and that my journey really has only just begun. Everything prior was simply put in front of me to prepare me for whatever the Goddess has in store for me. I never ask the Goddess directly for anything. I merely ask for the tools to better myself, or simple guidance when faced with a big decision. I do so with logic and precision now after that fateful night in the summer of 2009.


Emotional Damage leads to Drug Abuse




Drugs vs Emotions

As a former drug user, I’ve come to the realization that my drug use stemmed mostly out of being unable to control my emotions. I was unable to handle the power inside of me that controlled me. Prior to using I had sleep problems since an early age. My brain seemed to never shut off analyzing this and analyzing that. I pick up on other people’s emotions too. I’ve been called an empath by a shaman. I was given these gifts, and had no idea how to handle them, control them, or what they even were, so I turned to drugs. My first drug was Vicodin, because it blocked the pain in my teeth. My second drug was Xanax, because it blocked the anxiety and made me feel kinda tingly. I started feeling false emotion, false happiness. I moved on to Paxil and Celexa and Prozac and Lamictal and Zyprexa and over the course of 10 years I have been on most every major clinical prescription medication that affected mood and/or pain. In that ten years, my body re-programmed itself to depend on these stimulants/depressants to regulate my core emotion and upon inner examination I have discovered that by using these drugs, I not only restricted my creativity and emotional growth, I lost sight of who I was, what I was here to do, and who I was supposed to be. Feeling lost, disconnected, unplugged from the world and not feeling anything became my addiction, and I would do anything to achieve that state of mind and being, including drugs like heroin, cocaine, methamphetamines, mescalines, and hallucinogens of all kinds. And then those wouldn’t work anymore. I would need more, and more, and more to achieve the personal nirvana my distorted brain created. Every one of you reading this, that is an addict, knows what this is like, can relate to this, can associate with this in some sort of way. And now that I have your attention my current addict friends, let me tell you what I have discovered since being off of any chemical drug for over a year.

For those that just want to be happy, you have to allow yourself to be happy. You can’t force it with a drug guys. Happiness is the tickle in your belly when you’re laughing so hard because your old lady or old man tried to fart and shit their pants. It’s a natural reaction to a condition that has been met in our brain waves. And you know what else? It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to let rivers flow out of your eyes and get rid of all that water weight dammed up in the cerebral cortex. It lightens the brain. Being depressed is ok too. Whoever says life is perfect is the one that is crazy.

Stress is the #1 psychologically damaging emotion especially that which is caused by an environment you can’t control. I’d lay a pretty solid bet it’s those with the most stress that have the highest desire to escape from reality. Logical statement, yes? But how do you control it when all you do is barraged daily with negative events!? Those that live in big cities know what I mean. Every corner you turn, the chances of running into something bad almost triple over seeing something good in extremely populated and poor neighborhoods. It’s not their fault they can’t get out. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s an extension of Darwin’s Natural Selection philosophy. Social tensions are pretty high right now. The people that really matter in this country and that need the most help in this country could actually give two shits about what is going on in politics and who our next President is going to be. Why? They already know it won’t affect their status. And so drug use becomes a priority. It takes away your reality of a shit neighborhood, of so much evil in the world, and it seems the media would much rather spread the news of evil because it’s much more accepted than always talking about good things. Sensationalism is what it is called. It stimulates the senses by heightening anxiety and making you want to watch more to either appease the anxiety or even as absurd as it sounds, to incite anxiety, so you can do your drug of choice. Am I saying the news makes you do drugs? No, probably not. These are all environmental factors that I have decided create a stressful environment. By learning and growing myself, I can now conclude that stress is a major contributor to my drug use. And by building up protective barriers both mentally and emotionally, I have been able to work things out naturally. I’ve been able to control negative thoughts and energy by learning how to compartmentalize things that cannot be controlled and things that can be controlled, and learning what my body was telling me. This essay is basically aimed at those that are addicts, both current and recovering. This message is aimed to the front line on the war on drugs.

Nobody can cure an addict. Only the addict can cure him/herself.

The drug barons are not to blame. They’re simply providing a product that has a demand. That’s economics 101. Sure there’s a hostile environment around that much drugs. People with machine guns and what not. Why is that scary? It’s simply protecting your product, no more than a farmer shoots a coyote to protect his chickens. If you think that analogy is off base, sit and think about it for a while. All blame does is gets the stress off of yourself by putting it onto someone else. That’s not love, that’s hate.

The government is not to blame. Nor are the people running it. The fault lies purely with the addict if fault is to be assigned. We are all creatures of free will. There is no denying that. I don’t care where you are…you have a choice to breathe don’t you? To hear? If not hear, than see? You have choices in a choice-less environment if you actually sat and thought about it. Your choice is limited however when you start using.

Escaping from reality used to be cool, and even losing everything I owned seemed pretty cool. I went from having a lot, to having very little materially. It happens to a lot of us.